A multitude of life events can be likened to the mythical Phoenix. The phoenix is said to be a colorful bird with a long lifespan. At the end of it's life, the phoenix erupts into flames and disintegrates into a mound of ashes. From the ashes, the phoenix reemerges in a better, more youthful form. For the divorcee, newly separated, and dumped, this metaphor is implicit. Our worlds have combusted before our eyes, and we have no choice but to reemerge...hopefully as better people. But it isn't that easy, is it? No, unlike the phoenix, we will not reappear from the ashes of our dead relationships unscathed. We will be emotionally, financially, and sometimes physically bruised, beaten, and scarred. We can, however, overcome our battle scars. How? I'm not quite sure yet. I am hoping this blog will be a way for me to learn just that.
For many, a change in relational status is equivalent to having their entire identity questioned. People often wrap their identities up in what they do for a living (I am a teacher, or doctor, or secretary, or plumber) and/or what they do for others (I am so-and-so's husband/wife, mother/father, etc). We define who we are in these respects. But what happens when one or more of these identities is stripped away? We have an identity crisis, because many of us don't know who we really are--who we are outside of the relationships we create.
In addition to the emotional turmoil that is created by having an identity crisis, we also often suffer emotional bruising...what our society often calls "being burned." Relationships rarely end easily. We invest so much of ourselves in them that it hurts when our investments are for naught. Additionally, we may face feelings of inadequacy because of the ex's past infidelity or the speed with which we were replaced.
For others, it is new or renewed financial difficulty that must be overcome. For most, it is a definite change in earnings. It is also a change in living accommodations for at least half of the relationally broken. Often, this change in accommodations involves a long-distance move. Moreover, divorce is expensive...far more expensive than the fee that most states charge for marriage licenses.
Unfortunately, many leave relationships with more than emotional or financial baggage, but with physical scars as well. It is estimated by the US Department of Justice that 1.3 million women and over 800,000 men are physically assaulted by a relational partner every year.
This blog will be used as a forum for me to talk through becoming a phoenix. For those that know me, you know that I have a proclivity for cynicism. It would, therefore, be easy for me to join the misanthropic bunch who say that marriage is a dead institution and that relationships, in general, are inherently sadistic. And honestly, it is sometimes hard to argue with my cynical compatriots with 50+% divorce rates; however, I have a good friend who recently became engaged. In reading his and his fiancee's mushy wedding website, I found myself being happy for him. Yes, really happy for him. It occurred to me that I was hopeful that his relationship will work not only because I don't want him to suffer through that which I have been going and will continue to go, but because it meant that I still had hope. Maybe (just maybe), I am not ready to give up on relationships yet.
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